Why Won’t My Teen Just Go to Bed? Understanding the Science Behind Sleep Struggles

If you've asked this question at 11:47 PM, peeking into a glowing bedroom, wondering why your teen is still awake — you're not alone.

This common frustration is one of the most asked questions Brittany Fella hears in her practice. And while it might feel like defiance, rebellion, or simply an obsession with screens, there's something deeper going on: biology.

Yes, your teen should be getting more rest. Yes, you’ve tried every routine. Yes, you’ve set boundaries. But still — they’re up. Still talking. Still scrolling. Still wide-eyed.

Let’s explore why this happens, and how you, as a parent, can respond in a way that’s informed, calm, and connected.

Puberty Literally Rewires Their Sleep Cycle

During adolescence, your teen’s brain goes through a massive transformation. One of the most noticeable changes? A shift in their circadian rhythm — the internal clock that regulates sleep and wake cycles.

The release of melatonin (the hormone that makes us feel sleepy) gets delayed by 1 to 2 hours during puberty. That means your teen doesn’t feel tired until much later in the evening — often between 10:30 PM and 12:00 AM.

So when they say, “I’m not tired,” they’re not lying. Their brain simply isn’t sending the right signals yet.

Combine that with early school start times, homework loads, and social pressures, and you get teens who are consistently sleep-deprived — and everything that comes with it:

• Morning irritability

• Emotional reactivity

• Difficulty focusing

• Increased anxiety

• Lower academic performance

This isn’t just about discipline. It’s about development.

Why They’re Tired But Can’t Sleep

Your teen’s body might be exhausted. But their brain? Wired. Especially after a long day of classes, sports, stress, and constant stimulation.

By the time evening rolls around, they’re finally decompressing. And for many teens, night is the only time they feel they have control.

During the day, they’re bombarded with:

• Expectations from school

• Rules from parents

• Performance pressures in sports or activities

• Social drama or overstimulation

Staying up late becomes a way to reclaim autonomy. A way to say: “This time belongs to me.”

And as a parent, this can feel personal. But it's not. It's developmental. Teens crave agency. Unfortunately, sometimes they find it at the expense of their sleep.

This also creates tension within families — especially high-achieving, schedule-oriented parents who are doing everything they can to protect their child’s well-being. When the teen resists bedtime, it can feel like a direct rejection of care, structure, or discipline. But reframing it through the lens of development and brain science softens the dynamic.

Screens Make It Worse — But They're Not the Only Issue

Yes, screens contribute. The blue light emitted by phones, laptops, and TVs suppresses melatonin and keeps the brain alert long after exposure.

But it’s not just the light. It’s the emotional stimulation:

• Chatting in group texts

• Watching intense videos

• Doom-scrolling social media

• Doing last-minute homework

All of these activities keep their nervous system activated. So when they try to lie down and sleep, their mind is still racing.

And because teens lack the self-regulation skills of adults, they often don’t know how to shift from stimulation to stillness.

This is where your support matters — not as a disciplinarian, but as a coach.

Parents often ask Brittany, "Should I just take the phone away at night?" And while removing devices can be helpful, how it’s done matters. Is it part of a collaborative agreement? Or is it a punishment?

Kids are more likely to cooperate when they feel like their voice is included in the process. So rather than an abrupt confiscation, try co-creating a bedtime tech boundary plan:

• Devices in the kitchen by 10:00 PM

• One reminder instead of a nightly argument

• Involve them in choosing a non-tech wind-down activity

Let them be part of the structure.

Why “Just Go to Bed” Doesn’t Work

Teen brains aren’t wired to follow arbitrary routines. They don’t think:

• “It’s 10:00 PM. I have one hour to text and then I’ll sleep.”

Instead, they live in the now. If a conversation feels important — or exciting — they’re fully in it. Time becomes fluid. Sleep becomes secondary.

And yet, they do need structure.

They need:

• Predictable limits

• Encouragement to develop sleep hygiene

• Conversations that don’t shame them

• Accountability that isn’t rigid

In Brittany’s work with families, she emphasizes this balance: connection before correction. If you jump straight to discipline, you’ll likely be met with resistance. But if you lead with curiosity — “Help me understand what keeps you up” — you open a door.

This builds emotional trust, which increases cooperation. And eventually, it leads to better habits.

What Parents Can Do (According to Brittany’s Approach)

Brittany Fella’s core message centers on connection, resilience, and realistic expectations. And when it comes to sleep, that means combining empathy with structure.

Here’s how:

1. Hold Fast to What You Know

Your teen may push back — hard. But that doesn’t mean you drop the boundary. Sleep is non-negotiable. Not because you’re the boss. But because their health depends on it.

Model consistency. If bedtime is 10:30, then devices go off by 10. Not because you’re being mean — but because you care.

You can even say:

"I don’t expect you to be happy about this. I expect you to understand that I love you enough to protect your health, even when it’s hard."

2. Talk About the Science

Teens are more likely to comply when they understand the why.

Explain the melatonin shift. Talk about circadian rhythms. Use resources, videos, or Brittany’s blog to help them see that this isn’t about rules — it’s about biology.

Example: “I know you don’t feel tired. That’s normal. But your brain still needs rest to function tomorrow.”

When you provide logic with compassion, they’re more open to feedback.

3. Acknowledge Their Need for Control

Don’t frame bedtime as a battle. Instead, offer choices within structure:

• “You can read or journal after 10, but no screens.”

• “Want to take a walk before bed or do some stretches together?”

They need to feel respected — even when they’re being guided.

This models emotional leadership, something Brittany teaches often in her work with high-performing parents: lead with calm authority, not power games.

4. Point Out the Differences You Notice

When they’re well-rested, reflect it back to them:

• “You seemed more focused today.”

• “I noticed you weren’t as anxious this morning.”

This builds internal motivation. They begin to connect sleep to performance — not punishment.

5. Be Honest About Your Own Struggles

Share your own experience:

• “I have to work hard to shut down my mind at night too.”

• “I’ve noticed that when I go to bed earlier, I’m less irritable the next day.”

This creates partnership, not hierarchy. You’re on the same team.

Building a Sleep-Friendly Environment

You don’t need fancy gadgets or dramatic changes. But you do need intention. A few ideas:

• Dim the lights after 9:00 PM

• Keep phones out of bedrooms

• Create a wind-down routine (stretching, tea, music)

• Try a 20-minute “digital sunset” where everyone (including parents) powers down

• Use calming scents like lavender

• Limit late-night snacks that spike energy

You can even create a bedtime playlist together. Involve your teen in the setup so it feels personalized.

Sleep becomes a ritual, not a rule.

When to Seek Extra Support

Sleep struggles can sometimes signal deeper concerns:

• Ongoing anxiety

• Depression

• Social pressure

• Screen addiction

• Trauma responses

If your teen regularly:

• Can’t fall asleep before 1:00 AM

• Feels exhausted even after sleeping

• Uses screens to escape overwhelming feelings

• Expresses hopelessness or irritability

…it might be time to consult a therapist.

At Brittany Fella Therapy, we work with teens to:

• Understand emotional regulation

• Develop better habits

• Rebuild parent-teen trust

• Support healthy identity development

Group therapy can be especially powerful. Teens connect with peers, feel less alone, and begin learning healthy rhythms from each other. It’s not just about sleep. It’s about the systems beneath the struggle.

Stories From the Therapy Room

One mom shared with Brittany:

“We tried every app, every chart, every consequence. But nothing stuck until we started making bedtime a conversation instead of a command.”

Another parent said:

“My teen actually helped create our family’s wind-down playlist. Now, it’s part of our routine — and it’s something we both look forward to.”

And from a teen:

“I thought my mom just wanted to control me. But when she told me she used to stay up late because she was anxious, I realized she gets it. That helped more than any rule.”

Final Thought

If your teen is still awake at 11:47 PM, you’re not failing. You’re witnessing a phase of development that’s biologically real — and emotionally loaded.

You’re also invited into a new parenting chapter: One where you offer guidance without control. Structure without shame. Support without fear.

They may fight sleep. But with patience and consistency, they’ll also learn what rest can give them:

• Clarity

• Energy

• Emotional stability

• And a deeper connection to you.

Brittany Fella’s work reminds us that this isn’t about making your teen perfect. It’s about helping them feel safe enough to grow.

Even when they’re wide awake. Even when they roll their eyes. Even when it feels like nothing is working.

Stay steady. Keep showing up. You’ve got this.

Brittany Fella, LMFT
OC Teen Therapy | Helping Teens and Parents Grow Together